06/22/2007

Fear the turtle?! See the University of Maryland's new marketing campaign at http://www.feartheturtle.umd.edu/.

 

06/15/2007

THE SURGEONS

The First Surgeon from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on

my operating table, because when you open them up, eveything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers…those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington D. C. shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

 

 

June 14, 2007

GMK

 

 

June 12, 2007

A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there was

a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter

it in some races. However, at the local auction, the going price for

horses was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead. Although

he had some doubts, the priest figured that he might as well enter the

animal in a race just to see how it would do. To his surprise the

donkey came in second.

The next day the headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS

The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race,

and this time it won.

The headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered

the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid

of the animal. The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby

convent.

The next day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of

the donkey. After several days, the nun finally sold the beast to a

local farmer for $10.

The headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

They buried the bishop the next day.

 

LCB

 

 

June 8, 2007

The New Medicare System (haha)

 

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, “Hello.”

“Mrs. Ward, please.”

“Speaking.”

“Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husbands biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband’s. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.”

“What do you mean?” Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

“Well one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and other one tested positive for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your husband’s.”

“That’s dreadful. Can’t you do the rest again?”

“Normally we could, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do now?

“The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him!”

 

gmk

 

 

June 7, 2007

A new Minster wanted to get to know his church members.

He went door to door to introduce himself

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home,

But no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote “Revelation 3:20” on

The back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was process the following Sunday,

He found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this

Cryptic message, “Genesis 3:10.”

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.”

Genesis 3:10 reads, “ I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.”

gmk

 

 

June 6, 2007

Candlelight Vigil

Harry was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.

She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.

Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

“Becky my darling” he whispered.

“Hush my love, she said. “Rest, don’t talk.”

He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice,

I have something that I must confess.”

“There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Becky,

“Everything’s all right, go to sleep.”

“No, No. I must die in peace, Becky”.

….I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!”

“I know, sweetheart,” whispered Becky, “rest now and let the poison work.”

gmk

 

 

June 5, 2007

FedEx

Have you heard that FedEx and UPS are going to merge?

They now will be called: FEDUP

 

gmk

 

 

June 1, 2007

IT Wisdom

"I have a spelling checker,

It came with my PC;

It plainly marks four my revue

Mistakes I cannot sea.

I've run this poem threw it,

I'm sure your please too no,

Its letter perfect in it's weigh,

My checker tolled me sew."

Author Unknown

 

 

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."

Bill Gates 1981